random thoughts, 5
So I was in my literature class today (the one I fucking hate). We were told to give our opinion on whatever we were supposed to read for today. Part of the story had to do with the Crusades. One of my classmates stated that she loved the story because if God clearly told these guys to fight the Muslims then so be it and that’s why people in third world countries were poor because they don’t want to accept God. I WANTED TO THROW MY WORK BINDER AT HER. yes, some opinions are wrong
Thanks to friends and reasons I guess, I’m not so sad anymore. I mean, well, I’m still broke and I still have a flat tire and I have to hope upon hope that the spare tire lasts till payday next week. But after much reflecting, I convinced myself for the umpteenth time that no, not everything is my fault. I might instigate, but as I full well know, blame is never something placed on one person. So I might be alone for the weekend and I might’ve felt bad, but things are still okay in life. And anyway, the week’s only almost half way done. A lot of things can happen.
And yes, The Plan failed, and instead of trying again, I’m just dismantling it. Not because it wouldn’t work another day, rather because there are other things going on that basically means that The Plan would work better another time.
Valentine’s Day, then, wasn’t that bad. But it’s hard not to get a little, I dunno, weird, seeing people you know have a great time of it. I’m glad for them, but I was kind of hoping for a better day, even though I don’t celebrate it. Of course, this beats a hospital, so I’ll take what I can get. Baby steps, you know.
So, Bruce, Maire and Lee - thanks. You guys deserve ice cream. But two of you are too far away and I don’t have money for the other person. So another time.
about Valentine’s Day.
Well, I’ve basically been planning since last March to not acknowledge tomorrow whatsoever. By that, I mean basically stay home, turn off the phone, log off Facebook/G+/Twitter yes I have a twitter no you can’t have it and just hide in bed. The reason was because my experience with the 14th of February has actually been quite bad these past 23, almost 24, years.
It’s stopped short of a loved one dying. But it’s run the gamut. One year, my whole class schemed to make sure I wouldn’t receive a single Valentine card. Yes, they even got a hold of the teacher’s card. Another year, one which I was considerably chubby and had to endure people making fun of my weight (on top of everything else), I almost endured a whole afternoon of classmates pelting rocks at me. I say almost because I snapped. My mom wasn’t happy.
Another year, there was a gift exchange at school. Guess whose secret Valentine didn’t get a gift? I also once ended up in the hospital due to low blood sugar and passing out, because I put too much insulin and didn’t have money for food. I then endured weeks of rumors that I was doing drugs, thanks to an upperclassman being absolutely retarded and because I had to present someone for a school conference and by then I was sweating and slurring. And last year I got broken up with.
So regardless of whether it’s a corporately manufactured holiday inspired in getting people to spend money or not, it’s mattered little in my history with it. Because everyone else celebrates it.
But when I think about it, I think last year, being the cusp of whatthefuckery with this day, kind of sucked all my hate and disdain for the day. Don’t get me wrong. I still think that it’s silly to dedicate one day to a special someone instead of nearly any other day. But in the end, if people want to do it, then who am I to say no? It’s a day, people celebrate it, good for them. Besides, Cosmo and I patched up things a couple of weeks later. So that’s one Valentine’s Day that had a good ending, even if it wasn’t the same day.
So, asides the fact that I can’t spend the day hiding from life, because I work and have class later, I’m going to do a test tomorrow. I’m going to go through the day treating it like a normal day. I’ll take the candy (though probably not eat it), I’ll say thanks if someone wishes me a good V-Day, and I’ll just be happy. I don’t think anything else can go wrong, I think. At least not for a few years.
I kind of wish I could stay home though.
